Tired

I'm tired. I want to sleep, but I need to stay up at least a bit better to get to work tomorrow night.

Work. I hate my job. I honestly had hoped about a week ago would have been the last time I went to work. Not to be.

I went to Vegas, played in a WSOP tournament, and did terrible. I then lost all the money I'd taken with me. Not really to bad play, but bad luck.

I've had a lot of "bad luck" lately at the tables. I'm not playing poker again for quite a while.

I'm engaged. She is by far the most amazing woman I'd ever met. She has a 3 year old son and he is (a pain) wonderful. We have one on the way now.

I'm going to be a husband, step-father and father by this time next year.

In January I was a bachelor.

I know, this is stupid fast. Sometimes I get scared and think it might be wrong to move this fast. But it's not. It's right in this instance. I don't know how I know, I just... know. There is nothing good that could come from us ending, only me reverting back to a state of living in which I was perpetually depressed and bored.

I still get depressed and bored sometimes, but those times are much fewer and farther between, and haven't been a constant state in some months now.

Life though... Wow.

I've abandoned a lot of my old friends. Being in such a committed relationship makes it difficult to keep ties with people who aren't in an equally committed relationship. If you're single, or at least aren't in a relationship with great potential to last, you'll find this difficult to understand, but trust me, it is.

I miss them sometimes. Sometimes I long to have my apartment filled with drunken buffoons, card games, bad movies and music, the alcohol flowing freely.

Every guy (maybe everyone?) experiences a loss of freedom when throwing in lots together with another. At first, I didn't think it could happen/would happen this time. One second, I wake up, I'm single. The next, I'm "with" a girl. The next, she lives with me. The next, we're engaged, the next, she's pregnant.

I'm terrified. Not of the responsibilities (which are immense), or the loss of freedom, no. I'm terrified at the thought of screwing this one up. Of losing this.

I'm building a family now with my fiance. It's hard. It's struggle, it's constant effort to not fight over stupid things (though, you still do). It's the single hardest thing I've ever had to do.

The only thing I can imagine being harder is living without her and her son, and our child that's on the way.

I guess that's how it is. I love life right now. Sometimes I'm sad, I hate my job, I fuck up. But I love my life right now.

I just have to do better for us financially. I need a better job, need to manage money better, get a bigger apartment.

I don't know who I am. I'm not the same person I was in high school, I'm not the same person I was a year ago, 6 months ago. I don't know this new me very well. I don't "think" like I used to. I don't have time for the deep thoughts I used to have, and anytime I start to think like that, something brings me back to reality. I need to clean, work, watch the kid, entertain the fiance.

Maybe that's why I'm happier now than I have been before?

I used to treasure my alone time. I mean, TREASURE it. Take entire days to do nothing but lay in bed and think. Take "me" days.

I don't get "me" days anymore. I don't want "me" days anymore. A few "me" hours and I'm missing someone, or feeling like I should be doing something.

Is this growing up? It sucks, but it's a hell of a ride too.

Just remember, it's always worth taking the time to laugh.

That's what really got me about this woman (Jen, my fiance). She makes me laugh.

Not just kind of. Not occasionally, not when she tells a funny joke. No. She is witty. She is mouthy, annoying and smart. She is, in a word, me, just a female version. We find ourselves quoting the same films at the same time (the same line, more often than not ["I don't want a large Farva, I want a goddamn liter-a-cola!"]) , we're constantly laughing. I love it. It's amazing.

Hmm. They're making a Paranormal Activity 2, and a Supertroopers 2. Add those two titles to Unbreakable 2 for movies that I feel shouldn't be made. Oh well.

I wanted to type more, but I feel drained of thought. No deep thoughts from Jesse today. Maybe another time.